Follow This Blog Paloma, my nurse from Madrid who'd deal with telling patients that there would be, for the second day running, a six hour delay due to a problem at the lab, pulled out the cannula with expert precision. I’d been one of six lucky ones with no delay as my immuno juice was ready to go! A cotton wool swab was taped in place with the single handed expertise of a farmer hand rolling a cigarette while still ploughing a field in his tractors. “That's it, you’re done” and I was. Six months of chemo and immunotherapy was finally over.  In that instant, the place that had held me, cared for me, saved me and nurtured me back to health, was now just a room where other people go for their treatment. As I stepped into the lift I hoped for one last bidy beep but there was none. Jon Bowlby, father of Attachment Theory, way back in the 1950’s introduced the world to the term ‘secure base’, the space around the caregiver that the infant feels safe in.

 Follow This Blog   Round Five: Biddy Beep! Marlene Dietrich sang 'Falling in Love Again, What am I to do' and I want to record a version with the words 'Falling Apart Again'.  I'm in bed at 7.48pm with a blocked nose and a mild temperature. In short, a head cold. So what's the problem, it's just a head cold? For you maybe, but for me, with my reduced immunity, it could be a first class ticket to A&E again! By my bed is the thermometer, a standard issue Boots thermometer, so the beeps are too high pitched to hear and the screen isn’t illuminated but apart from that it’s great. Oh and it’s lime green, which is soothing not! I’ve also got an assortment of the usual potions and lotions, such as Vicks and Sinex and a box of tissues. I'm not allowed paracetamol. It would mask any fever delaying me from getting the necessary urgent medical treatment. See my earlier blog about A&E. One good thing about counselling is that there&

 Follow This Blog   Round Four Round Up! I'm in the seriously good zone this morning. Brimming with health, vitality and caffeine! I've just fought off the sniffles! Sniffles to you, could mean ICU for me, and having been through the process in Round One of going to bed not knowing if I'd wake up needing an ambulance, I'm delighted that the sniffles and associated fear is receding. Last night (10th Oct.) I submitted my BACP Accreditation and the deadline's not even until the end of the month!  It might be deferred and I'd have to redo part of it, but that's okay because they would say why, and it would be under the current accreditation process which is getting revamped after the 31st Oct.   Accreditation has been a big project for me in several ways. I've felt a growing sense of decline throughout my travels in ChemLand. The ongoing loss of fitness both physically and mentally through tiredness and the constant attention chemo demands. Getti

 Follow This Blog   It's an interesting exercise to think of the last two months in terms of highs and lows. The best of times, the worst of times. Well the best bits were awesome so I'll put those in later and the worst weren't too bad, so overall it's been better than OK. Round three of my adventures in ChemoLand started with a slight twist on the cannula finding a vein saga. On both chemo days the nurse got them in on the first attempt! My record is five attempts so success on the first attempt is good. Unfortunately in Round Four my veins rebelled and remained elusive requiring several painful attempts. They remained bruised and sore for the full cycle since Round Three, but on the up side, it was useful to know which ones not to use in Round Four! My nausea has been slightly worse but only lasted for seven days compared to ten on Round Two. I still haven't been sick. It's just a feeling that adds to the tiredness and saps my motivati

 Follow This Blog   Oooops! I blinked and ages have flown by since my last post. Thanks to everyone who's nudged me for the next post. Before I get into round the Round three & four review (next post) I'm delighted to say things have settled down to my new normal of spending a week in ChemoLand then returning to three weeks feeling better until the next round ensues. Trying to get stuff done has been a challenge (no change for 58 years and counting!), but especially now as within the 28 day chemo cycle week one is yuuuuck, week two is maaaah and weeks three and four is yippie I yay, let's go party! It really feels like a two week holiday every month followed by a bad cold. The other reason I haven't been blogging is a deliberate attempt to get my BACP Accreditation in before the 31st Oct deadline when they change the system. I could have submitted it at any time since April but it's sat on my to do list. I'd write a book about procrastination but I haven

 Follow This Blog   Alastair's Adventures in ChemoLand Round 2: Round two has been a little bumpy in the same way that round one was mountainous! Chemo started on Thursday 27th July with a four hour drip of Rituximab the immunotherapy drug that acts like an antibody telling my killer T-cells to go attack my white cells. I think of every molecule as a tiny representation of Donald Trump, inciting my loyal T-cells to cause havoc in the capital (allegedly). Because I'd never had this before and there's a 50:50 chance of some form of reaction I was placed in a bed 'near the oxygen' the nurse said. Also near the defib. and everything else needed in a crash emergency. Sooooo reassuring! Four hours later it was time to flush the pipes with a half hour saline drip. It's a bit like a pub cleaning the pipes on a Monday after a busy weekend. I feel like an old Victorian pub, a bit run down, but still good for a pint and a natter. I may not be a young and trendy bar but at

Follow This Blog So having been released from ICU on Fri 14/7 i took the decision to fully relax and convalesce. I left hospital 11kg / 23lb heavier due to being pumped full of fluid to support my blood pressure. Over the next few days I  lost 2kg per day! Weeeeeee. Sunday   I woke up feeling a little less bloated than the night before but then a pain came on in my stomach. Herman wasn't happy! Herman is my ventral hernia with a little belly button side kick hernia to keep him company. It’s thanks to Herman who, known at the time as the lump, led me to an ultrasound scan with inconclusive results, a CT scan that revealed a solitary kidney (since birth) and a blood test that showed an elevated white cell count leading to a diagnosis of MBL and eventually Lymphoma. That was 2019. I thank Herman for all the advanced warning and preparation he’s given me. Mayby it was my lack of attention or maybe the bloating from hosital, but the fat on the inside of my muscle wall, had pushed itself

Follow This Blog In my recent stay in hospital (8th - 14th July '23), specifically the four days in ICU I experienced a mixed bag of emotions. Most were anxiety tinged with frustration and some sadness at the loss of my health. There was also joy at the successes and pride in my resilience both physical and mental. During that time there was one moment that was the most terrifying I’ve ever experienced. It begged the question: would it have long term psychological consequences for me? This blog is an opportunity to process that experience by revisiting it, reflecting upon its implications and collect my thoughts, surrounding trauma, labels and self diagnosis. It’s in no way exhaustive or designed to be carved in stone. It’s simply where I'm at at this moment, a week after leaving hospital. It draws on my experience as an integrative counsellor with significant experience of working with clients who’ve been through similar experiences during their cancer journey. My Traumatic