Wow What a Wednesday

View from Ally Pally

Friday 13th March M-37

I hear the term ‘personal best’ often but it’s seldom unpacked.

There’s a negative voice in my head saying “Personal best means: That’s it. The best I’ll ever do. My limit.”

What lies between: What we know we can do, and what we’re about to attempt, is fear. Fear we can’t do it. Fear we’ve peaked. Fear we’ve already done our best work. As F.D.R. said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” and there’s a lot of it about lately!

Thanatos

Ultimately it’s the fear that our journey of achievement, and therefore our existence is over, which is our fear of death,  AKA Thanatos the ancient Greek personification of death.

Freud (beardy guy who knows your mum) used the term Thanatos to describe Death Drive (which I thought was the A406 on a Friday night) as opposed to Eros our sex drive (There’s a tosser joke in there somewhere but I’m sure it would go down as flat as a pancake).

So am I raging against the inevitability of my own death? Of course I am!

Once in a while it’s good to look old Thanatos in the eye and say ‘not yet maty boy, I’ve still got some living to do and I’m just getting the knack of it!’

As Hunter S. Thompson put it so well:

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”

It’s my favorite all time quote so I had to squeeze it in!

So last Wednesday, I was on a long jog.
A long jog is a jog of indeterminate length. As long as it’s way longer than a short jog, and a little bit longer than a medium or regular jog, it’s a long jog.

I needed a long jog to have a wee chat with Thanatos and the fear he induces in me.

• Could I survive a marathon? Will I drop down dead?
• Will I injure myself permanently (a real concern if you’re a dance teacher like me)
• Will I end up in a lot of pain? (a real concern if you’re a wuss like me)
• Here’s an old school one: Will I finish before the organisers go home?

Back at school, when the football pitches were wet, we would be forced to do long distance running. Homewood school had many acres of woods (there’s a clue in the name) and directions were vague at best, which is ok if you’re in the leading pack of fit kids, or the middle pack of chatty kids. I wasn’t In either. I was in the trailing gaggle of fat kids, slow kids, medically wheezy and generally those who hated P.E. kids. I was most of the latter and very quickly we would spread out and I would get lost. It was more orienteering without the luxury of a compass and map, where the aim was to get back before the PE staff disappeared into a smoke filled staff room.

Anyway back to my long jog......

My aim was to run a personal best somewhere between 15 and 20 miles. I was two thirds through a reasonable chunk of this when I got a text cancelling my only appointment that afternoon. I was deliberating what to do when it occurred to me to keep going.

Jan & me

It was a Forest Gump moment, no not the caliper scene or the ping pong but where he jogs off and keeps going, so I did.

I stopped off at various public toilets for water and even brought a can of full sugar coke and lucozade from the cafe in Finsbury Park.

Highlight was bumping into Jan, who I haven't seen for ages. We used to be in the Salsa Fusion demonstration team way back in 1993!

Low point was noticing that my nipple guards had slipped and the blood had seeped through three layers of tops. It didn't hurt much at the time but I knew it would be sore later.


Finally got to twenty miles! Mission accomplished!

My legs were still working and I had some puff left, so I continued until -

26.2 miles - my first marathon :-)

Once in a while I impress myself. It’s often because I don’t notice or acknowledge my journey, and I find myself somewhere surprisingly different.


I’m not a marathon runner and that’s surprisingly new to say it. So a time to celebrate.
There was a cold can of PunkDog IPA in the fridge and there isn’t one now!

Two days of tired stiff legs but not painful. They feel like old elastic. The bounce has gone. Nips are complaining :-) And my big toenails feel like they’ve been stamped on. Apparently it’s common for marathon runners (like me) to lose toenails! Things they don’t put on the entry form!

Most importantly me and Thanatos have come to an understanding that I can go running without fear.

I'm looking forward to Brighton :-)

Post marathon celebration